just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
