you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize
