Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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