Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
