someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
