I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
