I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Randomize
