I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
It was like giving head to a cactus.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
