New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
