there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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