Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
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