I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
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HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
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I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
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