I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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