if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
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