i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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