i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
