Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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