i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
