Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
