I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Randomize
