I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
