I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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