Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I checked into jail on foursquare
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
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