She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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