I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Randomize
