My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
