I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Randomize
