perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Randomize
