I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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