it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
