Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
