you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
