I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
