No stitches, just platelets and will power
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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