Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
