Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
