Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
