i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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