Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
