getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize