Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
