I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
