You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
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