Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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