textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Randomize
