Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
