I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
