So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Randomize
