Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Shitshow foam night was such a success
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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