I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Randomize
