FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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