If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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