I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Randomize
