I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Randomize
