they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
