So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Randomize
