Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
this hospital has no fireball
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize
